It was about 1:00am UK time when I was awoken from my slumber by a guitar riff. Us millennials may be familiar with the same riff from the Trick Daddy track “Lets Go.” This however was Ozzy Osbournes Crazy Train, the dedicated ringtone I had assigned to Crazy Uncle George. I answered the phone still half asleep to an excitable voice on the other end.
“Hey kid, how do you feel about an all expenses paid trip to South America, Luci and I are hitting Europe.”
[Ok. Hold the bus. Let’s pause for a second. I should probably introduce Crazy Uncle George before I go any further. Uncle George used to live 10 minutes down the road from me with his wife Sarah. Sarah was a narcissist. The narcissists narcissist, moody, whiney and an all-around cold-hearted bitch. George; great guy, funny, charming, would have given Sarah his last penny. One day George had put up with the last mood swing from Sarah and disappeared off the face of this earth. This guy didn’t ghost his wife, he ghosted his entire existence. Rumours went around that he’d moved to America or died while hunting Rhino-poachers in South Africa. Nobody knew. That was until he sent us a picture of him with his new wife Luciana in Colombia. Turns out he’d travelled South America, fell in love and settled in Medellin where he set up his own property business, renting out condos. Now, let’s rewind. Back to the story.]
“Hey kid, how do you feel about an all expenses paid trip to South America, Luci and I are hitting Europe.”
“What the fuck George, its 1 in the morning here.”
“I know kid, that’s why I’m phoning you now before it gets too late! What’dya say? I need someone to look after my business while I’m gone!”
“I thought you had agents for that type of shit” I groaned, wanting nothing more than to get back to sleep.
“Yeahhhhh, but I need someone to look after my house too” he goes on enthusiastically. George’s energy levels were always dialled up to 10.
“I thought you had a maid for that type of shit?”
“Yeahhh but….”
Uncle George had two beautiful rottweiler guard dogs Rosie and Roxy who were probably only capable of smothering a would be intruder to death with face kisses. He was too embarrassed to admit it but he didn’t like leaving his girls alone with people who were not family.
“Ok George, I’ll come and look after the dogs” I sighed.
“See, I always said you were my favourite nephew!”
I was his only nephew.
I had less than a week to prepare and break the news to my boss that I had to take leave at short notice to go babysit a couple of overgrown puppies, 5000 miles away.
“A family emergency boss.” Vague. Not entirely untrue. Kinda.
The next night I loaded up old faithful, Tinder, and started a sub***********ion that allowed me swipe in Medellin in the hope of finding some company while I was there. I done a load of swipes, thought nothing of it and went to bed. By the time I woke up I had a whole load of matches, and over the next few days they were landing as frequently as the planes at Heathrow. It felt like everytime I looked at my phone it had a notification from Tinder. This was different gravy to Tindering in the Western World. I had more variety to choose from than a cinema Pick ‘n’ Mix. Sweet fluffy marshmallows, delicious golden caramel and a whole bunch of Hot Tamales. Luckily, I swiped left on a couple of rogue Fizzy Balls that had found their way amongst the pink bon bons. Dodgy!
I had so many matches I narrowed it down, exchanged details with and focused my attention on 3 that had stood out.
Girl 1
Name: Andrea
Age: 27
Looks: 5/10
Personality: 10/10
By the time I landed in Medellin it was late Sunday evening, 3 flights and 20 hours later from leaving my place, to touching down on Colombian soil. I was connected to the inflight wifi and Andrea was Whatsapping me throughout. She wasn’t the most attractive girl on the planet. She had a bit of a frumpy mum-bod with a pretty face. She was genuine. The more we talked, the more attractive she became. This was also helped with a few cheeky, well taken pics that helped pass the time on my flight. No filters, no trickery. Just Andrea confidently sharing herself.
She was VERY keen and probably realised she wasn’t the only girl I was messaging. Short of meeting me on the runway, Andrea was looking to come over pretty much as soon as I landed. I was tired, exhausted even, but her personality had drawn me to her and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Andrea was a massage therapist at one of the local football clubs so I told her I could be doing with a professional touch after a long day.
It must have been 10pm by the time I was settled at Uncle Georges guest suite. He was living like a king out here. George and Luci had already departed that morning and I was let in by the maid. I was surprised at Andreas willingness to come over so late. I sent her the address. She was kinda shy on arrival. I wasted no time stripping to my boxers and lying face down so I could get my therapeutic massage. Not gonna lie, it felt amazing.
She was kneeling over me gently rubbing and caressing my back and shoulders. After working down from my upper body to my nether regions, she tugged at the waistband of my boxers, and pulled them down to get in about my hamstring and groin.
She started getting a little more intimate with my erogenous zones. Then something happened. A lightning bolt shot through my body. Through closed eyes I felt Andreas soft bare skin and some warm wetness on my lower back. I looked round to see Andrea totally naked, her pussy lips touching my lower back. I turned my body over and she continued her “therapy” on the front of my body. Feeling her warm pussy on my bare skin gave me an instant erection. By the time she got to my thighs and groin my dick was pulsing.
She carried on by rubbing my balls and tugging on my shaft. I motioned her upwards where she ran her pussy along the length of my dick, leaving the shaft wet with her juices. I closed my eyes and felt that familiar “pop.” She had slid down on top of me . She began grinding her hips back and forth and leaving the base of my dick and my balls covered in juices. When I was ready to unload, I grabbed her ass with both hands, and pulled her into me while I thrusted upwards and pumped my load deep inside her.
Andrea had to leave and get home for work in the morning. I collapsed naked in bed and slept for a solid 12 hours. Andrea was like the fluffy marshmallow from the pick and mix. Soft, sweet and enough to leave you satisfied.
Girl 2
Name: Viviana
Age: 24
Looks: 8/10
Personality: 0/10
I was enjoying the Medellin lifestyle. The weather was nice, the locals were friendly, and the women were beautiful. Everything seemed so relaxed like it was going in slow motion. On Wednesday I had to handover the keys to a Condo for one of Georges Airbnb guests. I had planned to meet Viviana for an evening of dinner and drinks afterwards. Viviana was hot. She had bleached blond hair that contrasted her skin tone, and meat in all the right places. She had a whole load of enhancements. Fake arse, fake tits, fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake nails, fake everything. She gave me a Sofia Vergara type of vibe. Just with more prominent enhancements.
Online, Viviana was great. Intelligent, had a good career and spoke perfect English due to her studying in the States. Even more so, she was straight to the point. She wanted “a gringo” to treat her to somewhere nice and hook up afterwards. I was forward with her too. I was looking to get my dick wet. Viviana offered to be a tour guide of sorts. A mutually beneficial match.
In person Viviana was as interesting as a bottle of hand sanitiser in 2019. We went to a fancy steakhouse in the trendy district of El Poblado, where she spent half the night making sure her Instagram and TikTok followers knew where she was and what she was eating. She looked great though, so I still wanted to shag her, despite the personality mismatch. Maybe her and Sarah could be friends?
I took Viviana to one of Georges empty Condos where we had some pretty vanilla sex in missionary, with a condom on. A sack of potatoes would have got more involved. I pounded away watching the vibrations reverberate up her skin and make her tits jiggle. It was watching these oversized artificial tits jiggle that helped me finish. I nutted inside the condom and made no reservations about letting her know it was time to go. The whole night felt very transactional. Lots of guys fantasise about fucking these surgically enhanced beauties, that wouldn’t look out of place on fashion runway, but Paisa-Barbie didn’t live up to the hype. Viviana was like sweet golden caramel. Looks appetising. Quickly gets sickening.
Girl 3
Name: Daniela
Age: 19
Looks: 9.5
Personality: Potential stabber
Looks wise Daniela had it all. She could pull off any look. She could be cute. She could be hot. She could be sexy. Long brunette hair all the way down her back, smokey eyes, slim without being anorexic, perfect proportions all the way around. Tits that were just big enough to be a handful. She was tad on the young side for me, but absolutely smoking hot, and seemed like a lot of fun in an unhinged hyperactive way. Trouble was she could only do Wednesday or Saturday night. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I wished we’d done Wednesday instead of Viviana. We had another dilemma. Daniela wasn’t too comfortable travelling into the main area of the City alone and, as a foreigner, taking a trip into the neighbourhoods of Medellin was obviously not wise and potentially dangerous. A couple of Jack Daniels, the promise of a homecooked meal and some pussy was all it needed to get me to ignore all common sense and travel advisories. I hopped straight in a taxi and headed to Danielas. Voy a el barrio mi amigo.
Credit where credit is due. At 19 I could only make a pot noodle. Daniela came out of her kitchen like a little chef butterfly juggling plates of Empanadas, cutlery, glasses and all sorts of dips. She handed me a bottle of beer that she had taken the liberty of opening. If I was about to be drugged and kidnapped, this would have been the moment.
It became obvious why she was so restricted on nights she could meet up. There was toddler paraphernalia tucked into corners of her living room. Wednesday and Saturday must have been her night off from being a mum.
After dinner and a bottle of wine we hit harder beverages while watching some bullshit on Netflix. She was like 63 episodes deep, of about 1004 in total. Dios mio! My Spanish wasn’t the best and Daniela spoke with a lot of slang. I could barely understand her. The language of lust however needed no words.
Gradually throughout the night, as if perfectly normal she stripped off her clothing bit by bit, until she was sitting there in just a bra and panties. The more alcohol consumed, the more playful she got. She had ended up sitting in my lap while watching this show, which allowed me to run my hands all over her body, and over the top of her panties. I was totally not interested in the telenovela and completely focused on grabbing handfuls of Danielas breasts in-between caressing the rest of her tight body. She ended up straddling me. We kissed. Then she started pulling my hair, clawing at my back and biting my shoulder.
Wait, what the fuck. Was this a playfight? Or was she actually fighting me here. The force of her teeth sinking into my flesh said real fight. The psychotic giggle said play. We rolled about pawing and gripping onto each other until we were on her floor. I managed to pin her face down. She giggled and said something I didn’t understand in rapid Antioquean dialect. It sounded like a dare.
I pushed her hard against the floor and peeled her panties down, followed by my trousers. Her flailing hands reached around from under her and grabbed at my boxers. With her exposed pussy in front of me and my dick now released and fully erect, I pushed my bare cock into her from behind, prone bone. With both hands on the floor for balance I pumped hard and aggressively. Each thrust made a hard slapping sound followed by a coinciding groan from Daniela. With the testosterone coursing through my veins, and Daniela pinned between the me and the floor this felt so raw and primal. I continued fucking her harder and faster. I could feel myself getting closer and closer to the edge but I didn’t want this to end so quickly. I slowed down until I was giving her one hard, intermittent pump at a time, before pulling out. I was completely on the edge. I went down and tongued her pussy from behind, which was now swollen and plump from the hard pounding it was taking. As I slid my tongue inside her hole, one of her hands slipped under and began playing with her clit to bring her to a shuddering orgasm.
I was rock solid and dripping precum as she lay panting in the aftershock of an explosive orgasm. I put her on her knees, her eyes still glazed from cumming. I stood up, she wrapped her hand around my dick and began sucking, taking me to the point of gagging. After a few minutes of pushing in and out of that pretty mouth, I pushed her onto her back and pulled her legs up over my shoulders so I could enter deep inside her. Her pussy was puffy and soaked. It had a different sensation this time around. I pounded so hard and deep my dick was hitting her cervix. The floor of this raggedy old chalet was creaking with every thrust. She grabbed my arms and moaned. As I blew my load I pushed myself one final time as far as I could. My dick must have pulsed ten times inside her, unloading another shot of cum with every beat. I collapsed on the floor. “Fuckkkkk.” We looked at each other. We laughed. Hot Tamale!