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Comments from Falconero
| Date | Story title | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| 2010-11-21 22:42:02 | Sister Catches Brother ...........by Ann Sky | You know this story could become a gem if you use the dialogue, but have someone else narrate the actions. Also half the speech that is already there is nothing but triple or quadruple repetition. " I have my brother's dick in my asshole... I'm letting my brother have anal sex with me... My brother is actually fucking me up the butt..." Those are just three sentences of the very same idea. Without this much repetition, your "story" would be a paragraph, maybe two, in length. Try narration next time. Just like how a story that has now dialogue to go along with the actions sucks, so too does a story with dialogue, but no actions to go along with it. |
| 2010-11-21 22:42:51 | Sister Catches Brother ...........by Ann Sky | You know this story could become a gem if you use the dialogue, but have someone else narrate the actions. Also half the speech that is already there is nothing but triple or quadruple repetition. " I have my brother's dick in my asshole... I'm letting my brother have anal sex with me... My brother is actually fucking me up the butt..." Those are just three sentences of the very same idea. Without this much repetition, your "story" would be a paragraph, maybe two, in length. Try narration next time. Just like how a story that has now dialogue to go along with the actions sucks, so too does a story with dialogue, but no actions to go along with it. |
| 2010-12-05 21:16:53 | Mommy's Twisted Little Fucker | Now don't get me wrong here, but did you write this story with intentions for it to be erotic, or did you do it just to freak people out? If you were doing the latter, I recommend a career in satirical writing. If you were doing the former, I recommend a career in either Horror writing or Comedy writing. i was partly disgusted by the story, but I also laughed my ass off at how much it preys on the depraved things we humans feel inside. |
| 2011-01-12 21:27:30 | When I broke my Arm | It is a curious thing that your viewpoints are mismatched and scrambled, especially since you don't seem to have this problem with your four other stories. Despite this, I still would like a continuation of this story. |
| 2012-08-14 13:42:04 | Raped but liked it | Ok, this might be a long review and with only 1,000 characters this might be in parts. I'm not going to bitch about spelling, people usually get what you mean if it is spelled closely enough or has a similiar sound when read so yeah. What you do need to work on is proper dialogue. I know "she shaking" might be slang, but still. It's be she's. This isn't a spelling issue, it's a grammar one. Also you need to work on tenses. Seriously, he fuck her and he fucked her are not the same thing. You also use run on sentences a bit too much without any punctuation that isn't at the end of the sentence, let alone proper ones. Commas, colons, etc. There are also places that there should be question marks instead of periods because these are definitely questions. Also realism does indeed need to be worked on. No ten and eight year olds have big cocks. That is all. |